Ramblings

You know that feeling when you end up not having a choice.

No, I don't mean about sex or drugs (while those seem fun), I'm talking about social-ing.

When a person wants to be with you but you cannot do it anymore, it can be hard can't it?  Opening up to someone new takes a lot of time for some people but how is it their fault that you can feel this way? 

And how do you break it to them?  That you can't do it anymore, that it doesn't work for you anymore, that you can't wait any longer. 

How do you do this when they haven't done anything wrong, when you were the one that taught them so many things and then you turn your back on them? 

But is it really turning your back on them?  Is it really that bad in that sense?  Perhaps it's for the best then yeah?  Because then you don't hurt them later. 

But at the same time why would you do it.  Why would you go through that pain, go through it to only find pain at the end for both of you? 

But why wouldn't you?  Investing so much time into something that isn't making you as happy as it was making you before, is it really worth it in the end? 

Dashing the dreams of so many, but for what?  Is it worth it? 

But then again is it worth it if you have to stay in a situation where there isn't anything good coming for you?

The time where it was good has left, then shouldn't everyone move on?  It was a nice experience that I wish could've ended up different but it didn't.

Maybe this is for the best.  Getting over things may not be easy but perhaps that's a good thing to go through after this.  Maybe that's the best thing to do at this point. 

After all, fun experiences were shared but, like everything, all good things come to an end and are eventually replaced with other things. 

At least I want to believe that.  That is going to be the shred of hope that we're going to hold onto.  How else can we go about our lives?

Is this a cold thing to do?  Perhaps it is.  But how long do you have to go through the constant stress that it causes for you?  Why is it hard.  Why does it have to be such a hard decision? 

Why can't it be an easy decision like whether I'm going to sleep or watch really dumb videos?  Why does it actually have to have a huge immediate impact on life? 

End it or live in something that was nice at first but ended up bad.

And oh it was and oh it did.  Something pure and innocent still that way but for you, it's so much worse.  They ended up sticking with it and it was nice for a while.  Then it started getting in the way and it got worse.  Some days were good, this didn't happen at all, others were bad, where there wasn't anything but that.

They have issues, bad ones, that aren't easily fixed, and wounds, that aren't easily healed.   You have issues too, who doesn't, but in different areas.  You could feel their pain so vividly that you forgot your own.  The entire time it became how their life could be made better with your help, how they could get better, how they could heal if only you helped them out.

But you never got anything in return, did you?  Never got the things that you gave them when they were in person.  Over a screen there would always be a different person, someone more sensitive and loving, but face to face always the same thing over and over and over where there wouldn't be any decent conversation.

It wasn't always like that though.  There was a time where you strived to make conversation and they did the same.  There was a time where both of you could sit down and have a genuinely good time.

Times pass, things change.  You can't sit down for any amount of time and expect a good conversation with them, can you?  And it gets worse as the year progresses.

Maybe it's the stress of what's going on this year.  It's a big year for both.  But whereas you are making it through ok, they aren't.  It strains them more than it does you or anyone else.  Or is it because they gave up? 

The more I think about it, the more I start to believe that what I'm doing is wrong.  Why should you leave someone that is so helpless?  Someone that might make the wrong decision if you choose to follow through with this.  How can you do that and live with yourself afterward?

But at what cost?  Having something on paper and nothing to substantiate it?  Is it worth it? 

Maybe what's needed is more time.  Time helped give something that was near nothing before to something. 

But how much time has to pass for this to happen?  How much more time do you need to wait?