Time, Sympathy, and Complaining

I hate when people complain.

I truly can't stand it. Especially lately, because I've stumbled on a personal revelation that my time is very important to me, and what I do with that time reflects what I am worth, what I truly care about, what I am passionate and interested in. I now spend that time writing, working, helping my friends out with problems in their lives and sharing/ thinking about complicated ideas. I have no time to listen to people complain.

Sympathy, in my mind, is a waste of time. When someone tells you something horrible that's happened to them for the sake of whining or complaining, it's not your duty to listen. It's not my duty to sympathize with people's whining. That's not how it works.

I have a friend at the moment who is going through a breakup, and after realizing that her now ex-boyfriend was her shoulder to cry on, she found herself with no one to listen to her whine. This is when she remembered that I existed.

Now, when we were in elementary/middle school, we made a sort of loyalty pact, coming to an understanding that we are each other's support system. We would call each other up if we were particularly upset about something, and we would hear each other out, whether it was about something heartbreaking in a tv show, a fight with a parent, a bad grade in school, or something equally stupid and childish. That was the name of the game; support system meant rambling about emotions.

When this particular friend first started dating her boyfriend, she called me up explaining that he doesn't do the whole support system correctly. Apparently, he just offered up solutions to aid the problem at hand. I briefly explained to him that in order to aid the situation, he must take his brain or of his skull, sit in place, and allow his shirt to be soaked in his new girlfriend's tears while she spouts irrational and often overdramatic remarks. The poor man. In the ten months they spent together, he overtook my duties almost completely.

Looking back at it now, I realize how much time I've spent on the bathroom floor with her, doing the same thing. The worst thing about it is that I thought this is what real friendship was.

In freshman year, we read Of Mice and Men, and talked about to what extent should one be loyal to one's friends. I was disappointed when my teacher (and the rest of the class) came to the revelation that a good friend isn't a person that will "never leave you". A good friend is someone who will call you out on your bullshit, won't be afraid to say what they think of you, and leave if they feel that your friendship isn't beneficial for either of you (this was said in family friendly terms). At the time, I had a fascination with Russian mentality and therefore valuing friendship at an almost unhealthy level of importance. I grew up with my father watching movies with people taking bullets for their friends, picking their friends over careers and women and family (Which is what my father himself ended up doing in the end. Huh.).

When I had a terrible break with a very close friend of mine, I realized that I needed to stop thinking of other people as a pair of ears and a set of warm arms to run into when I'm having a hard time. I had to finally learn to deal with emotions, and a large part of that was realizing that being upset about something you can't do anything about was a waste of time, that emotions were side effects of bigger internal problems, and reactions to external situations, and which ones I ought to spend my time focusing on. It was simply just that that made me so impatient toward people that complain for the sake of complaining. It's simply focusing too much on a side effect of a bigger problem, like someone who's obese complaining about sore knees or not fitting in airplane seats. There are bigger problems causing all these things, and they have clear answers. Stop pretending it's such a fucking mystery just for the sake of whining. You sound like an idiot.

You might recall a while back when I've done some writing about the liberal mentality and politics and stuff. I made a similar point there as I am extrapolating on now. What aches me now is the fact that I know my friends aren't idiots. They aren't. But yet, they still require someone to listen to them bitch and moan about something so easy to solve. It's such a blatant waste of time. And of course I end up sounding insensitive when I tell them "you don't need me for this. I've done all I could". It's the truth, though.

I can help people my age think through problems and even solve most of them. I can help them find a different approach to dealing with them. I can even offer my own experience to aid their troubles. What I cannot do is help someone get over it, get on with life and get past the emotions that come with their issues. That's beyond my abilities. I cannot make anyone follow my advice. It's either take it or leave it. And if one decides to go against my advice, I shouldn't be expected to deal with the issues that ensue.

Grieving, in my mind, is also a waste of time. It's completely emotional, and not at all practical or useful. And sympathy is an act. It isn't real, it isn't genuine, and it certainly isn't productive. I understand that most people in this day and age aren't very emotionally stable and that everyone's healing process is different, but for god's sake don't waste other people's time with your drawn out emotional crises (unless of course you're visiting a therapist, but even then, it isn't courteous). And please, be open minded enough to listen to other people's approaches to your problems, learn from their mistakes, and be intelligent about how you spend your time.