Kaleidoscope

I felt like writing this to get a better understanding of my mind in all of its glory. I’m not sure how much justice it’ll receive, but that is in the future, and I am determined to live in the present.

I’m a walking contradiction. I can never understand why I say and act the way that I do. I act on impulses and gut feelings, yet I overthink every single thing.

I’m a masochist. From an early age, I loved pain. I developed a high pain tolerance so it was difficult to find certain things pleasurable. It started with piercings. I decorated my ears, multiple times in fact, and I found it to be a mind-blowing feeling. I continued into self-destruction. I would grab the sharpest object in reach and design an escape on my body. The lines between pleasure and pain are very blurred to me. I love pain but I hate the scars it brings with.

I find peace in misery. I’m so used to being sad or miserable that anything out of that ordinary is just peculiar. It’s a depressing mindset to have, but it is what it is. Yet, I mourn the day I lost my happiness. My senses are acute to the extent that I overthink my entire existence. I’m betrayed consistently, yet I allow those people back into my life because I believe everyone deserves a second chance- this cycle doesn’t stop at two.

I fill up my life with toxicity. It’s a level of comfort for me. I’ve been mistreated since I was a little girl, and I felt that if I allowed people to do me wrong, I wouldn’t be alone. So that’s what I did and continue to do because I fear being alone. I fear what tendencies my brain will follow and I fear my tenacity of running with those tendencies. No one deserves me.

I view the world in colors. I look at people and the aura around them. I associate notes and chords with colors and compose a work of art. I look at myself and see a spatter of colors. I see yellow, blue, blood red, and black. I’m not a masterpiece, just a piece of art bleeding out.

Strangely enough, I don’t fear failure or rejection. I know I will make it wherever I want to go. That level of arrogance is something that I’ve always had.

Many people say they don’t understand me. Well, darling, I don’t understand myself. People try to figure me out, but I’m a kaleidoscope; a beautiful disarray of colors clashing and combining into figures no one could ever picture before.