Can't Sleep #1: Confused

There's been a whirlwind around me lately. A certain someone has reemerged into my life and flipped my brain space upside down. I've discovered a band that has charmed the hell out of me and has kept me pinned down under their influence for months now. It's been hectic, really. But there's one thing that's really putting me off, and that's my natural state of imbalance being played with and forcibly being centered by my simultaneous attraction toward a specific female AND male. Yes, I've got two subjects of fantasy and admiration, and it's slowly driving me insane.

Usually, when I acquire a romantic or sexual interest, I focus on all things associated with them; their hair color, their style, their voice and the way they speak, their gender. If I'm hung up on a boy, I will naturally act more feminine and become flustered in the presence of males, and vice versa. Never had I ever been put in a situation where I've admired two people of different genders at the same time. Until lately.  

See, being a bit queer or whatever you call it, you'd think that I wouldn't be phased with this problem. But in being a creative person who tends to take on certain roles and egos other than the one I am, this can complicate things. I am wildly a being of influence, a creature of my surroundings. Therefore, when I try and coax someone into bed with me, I know exactly who my target is, how to handle myself and the situation so it works to both of our benefits, and I act accordingly (look at that sentence. I should just put this into my business school application essay). But when you've got two completely different audiences you've got to appeal to, it's very difficult to stay mentally and emotionally sane. For example: to perceive to be more feminine, wear things that round you out, like a good thin sweater with a proper bra from a place like Soma (no spons). Wearing hats only if they round the face or allow for hair to be seen partially. Also, no t shirts or bad smells, like ointment or coffee breath. Showing signs of naivety is allowed only for the emphasis of innocence or quirkiness. That's the men. For the women, wear something to flatten or subdue the volume of the breasts. T shirts and jeans are well appreciated and so are reckless looking shoes, some converse or vans maybe (non spons, but wouldn't object if they wanted to). Coffee breath is alright, and male deodorant is appreciated greatly, as well as strange hair and outlandish remarks that cause outbursts of laughter and joy to the lady being pursued. Also, a rather cocky and prideful attitude is very beneficial. That is the way it works, and will probably continue to work in the future. That's just me.

At the moment, I'm wildly confused. I've really resorted into myself to create a grand mixture, a perfect personality to guarantee me a place in sexual neutrality and something called "friendship", meaning you have to suffer all the cons of a relationships without any of the pros. Misery. Misery is what I've gotten myself into. But hey, these are beautiful people I am surrounded by, and sometimes the only way to indulge in that beauty, even if it's just by proximity, you've got to suffer in the confines of platonic relations.